I've been so out of touch lately. Hopefully, this will be a way for me to reconnect with my friends and loved ones, and maybe lend support and advice to someone who is going through a similar experience.
After 9 years of marriage, and 12 years of being together, my husband and I have drifted apart and are getting a divorce. They say you never really know a person until you go through a divorce with them. This is definitely the case here. It has taken a year to get where we are now. Papers have been filed and now we have to sort out this mess called our lives. It is more painful than having 4 impacted wisdom teeth extracted at the same time (and I should know). It is like you are being pulled from each of your limbs all at the same time. Eventually something has to give. It is like someone is sucking all the blood and life out of you very slowly through a straw.
Most days, all I want to do is lie on the floor or sleep. I have no motivation or desire to do hardly anything except take care of my children. They are the only reason I am in LA right now and it looks like I'll be stuck here because that's where my husband will stay. My priority at this point is damage control and I want to minimize, as much as possible, the future therapy my kids will need.
Yesterday, I felt like the most worthless person on the planet. My life is so overwhelming and unmanageable at this point. Yet, today a complete stranger who heard about my situation said the reason my life is crashing down all around me is because a new life is just around the corner and is going to slowly emerge. That statement has given me renewed energy, strength, and hope for the future.
Before my marriage, I was a fiercely strong, positive, and independent woman. During my marriage, I have somehow allowed myself to lose my identity, voice, drive, tenacity, and perseverance. How did this happen?
Oh, did I happen to mention my recovery? Yes, during the past 6 months, I have been trudging the road to happy destiny and trying to live one day at a time. Bill W. and Dr. Bob and the millions of followers are my daily inspiration. It hasn't been easy. 6 months ago, I admitted my life was unmanageable. Now, 6 months later, my life is still unmanageable! I'm staying sober and learning to feel again, to be present, and to show up. I'm extremely grateful for my program and my sponsor who has been absolutely incredible.
I know what you're thinking. But you're not supposed to make any major decisions during the first year of sobriety! The various issues leading up to the divorce didn't happen overnight. It took almost a year from the point of asking for the divorce to the actual filing of papers. Being sober, and three therapists later, have all helped validate my need to move on and start working toward a happier life.
The girls are doing amazingly well. My oldest is now in 2nd grade andmy youngest is in her 3rd year of pre-school. It will be great next year when my little one is in Kindergarten and the girls will go to the same school.
My oldest is in her 3rd year of AYSO soccer and has also started Junior Choir. My youngest takes a dance class at her school. They are both very happy, healthy, funny, and bright young girls. They are the center of my universe and existence.
It is late and I need to get to sleep earlier than I have been.
So long until my next post.
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